


Blue Lions Holiday Baking Special

by TeruTeruObliterator11037



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Ashe Is A Snitch, Christmas, Crack, Gen, Had I Not Been A Holy Woman I Would Beat You Senseless, Mercedes Is Actually Jacked, Sylvain is there, no thoughts head empty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:00:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21946228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeruTeruObliterator11037/pseuds/TeruTeruObliterator11037
Summary: Dedue, Ashe, and Mercedes bake gingerbread cookies! Sylvain persists to be a degenerate.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Blue Lions Holiday Baking Special

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! Happy Holidays! Hope this week has been well for you.  
> This might be a lil out of character because I didn’t recruit Dedue or Mercedes during my current GD play through. That being said, it’s crack, so cest la vie, right? Haha.  
> Have fun!

"here we are, at seaworld, dedue-kun!" ashe said so thoughtfully, so empathetically

wait thats not correct

it was a chilly christmas morning in garreg mach monastery. the cold was very cold. yuh.

dedue, ashe, and mercedes were just str8 chillin, str8 VIBINNGG in da kitchen

"good mahrning all uwu," uwu'd mercedes, uwuilngly, "today we will be baking gingybread cookies"

"who is 'all'?" callled out a familiar figure from the dining hall, sylvain, like the chad he is, "im the only one here"

"Had I Not Been A Holy Woman I Would Beat You Senseless"

"Nooo don't beat me senseless aha you're too s"

sylvain was bludgeoned with a pot mercedes threw with her divine strength and bulging muscles

"who's the chad now, crest baby?"

"hahahaahahaha anyways," said ashe, "chef dedue, how do we begin, my de-dude? haha"

**~~"Given The Legal Opportunity, I Will Kill You~~ **

First, we must mix together 3 cups flour, 1.5 teaspoons baking powder, .25 teaspoon salt, 1 tablespoon ginger, 1.5 teaspoons cinnamon, and .25 teaspoons cloves in a small mixing bowl"

"i-i am afraid i do not know how to do math. mercedes, do you know numbers?"

"i am afraid not uwu. if you tap my head it makes a _bonk bonk_ sound. there is literally nothing in there."

"then what do you suggest, dedue? shall i salt the recipe with my tears?"

"I'm afraid not. It can't be liquid."

"who said my tears were liquid"

"What"

"what"

"Just fill these measuring cups up", dedue said, juicily handing ashe a bunch of mesauring cups 

"sounds great! i am bappy to help"

~~"Bappy?"~~

~~"Cyril????"'~~

as ashe tried to carry over a cup o flour, his clumsy moe anime hands slipped and he got the yeasty white powder all over his gloved up arms!!!!1! wuh woh!!!!!

sylvain chuckled, rising from his terminal coma, "heheh, is that flour lonato's blood?? because it's on your hands lol"

" **hey sylvain? keep that bs** **(bean sauce)** **up and i'll tell ingrid that you've been all up in her granny's dms."**

ashe, lovingly, continued to lovingly pour the ingredients into the bowl, lovingly,. "what would be next, dedue?"

 **"** Now beat 6 tablespoons of butter, .75 cup of brown sugar, and 1 egg"

~~"heheh", sylvain chuckled, " _butt"_~~

"no worries ashe uwu," said mercedes, "i can take it from here."

she then rolled up her sleeve, revealing her large, veiny, glistening muscles, which made dedue look like a shrimp and made ashe look like a skin cell, and proceeded to toss all of the ingredients into the bowl and beat it into a mush

"wrow" was all ashe could muster

 **"** oh no, now it's all over my hands" mercedes grimaced

'like Lonato's blood ahaha" i dont even need to tell yall who said this

ashe gave sylvain a glare that stung like the sack of hornets i hide under my bed, i can still hear them buzzing as i sleep. they just wont die

**"huh? would you like to test me today? i think not. eating cookies with your mouth today, drinking them up a straw though your ears because those will be the only holes in that face thattl still working tomorrow? would you like to test me? ill do it. ill call ingrid up here right now. ill do it. honesty is the best policy, baby. test me, test me, do it. im a knight. that would be the chivalrous thing to do. sylvain jose gautier, would you make me the happiest man alive, and test me?**

"no sir"

"fantastic! let's keep it going! :)"

dedue juicly broke the silence, "stir and put it into the oven for 7-10 mins”

"that'll do!”

Ashe preceded to slap that dough onto the pan like his life depended on it, and rolled it out (like he be rolling up this DOUGH $$$$$)

”Hm, “ dedue noted, “this reminds me of His Highness’ favorite dish.”

”oh?” Mercedes inquired, “does Dimitri like gingerbread?”

”no, this just looks like his favorite kind of dirt. He eats it when he cries out of wrath.”  
  


ashe shoved it into the oven, swiping away the toenails that fall off of Dimitri every time he crawls into the heat just to feel alive for once

”No,” Dedue advised, “Keep them there, they add flavor.”

”whatever you say! :)” Ashe grabbed a handful and sprinkled it back onto the dough

7-10 minutes passed as the three in the kitchen stared intently at Sylvain with animosity in their eyes the whole time

*ding ding* 

“wow! its as if time didn’t even pass! uwu” mercedes noted as dedue brought the pan out of the ofen

sylvain broke his fear-induced silence

“how would you have any sense of time?

what’s wrong, mercedes? am I just too swag money for you?”

“I am afraid I just don’t respond to people whose names are misspellings of “sylvian” uwu”

”literally who are you to talk??” You were named after a character from the hit fox tv series Glee”

“What is Glee?” asked dedue

”you’ve exposed your degeneracy, sylvain”

suddenly, Ingrid burst in 

“I SMELL GINGYBREADTTT!!!!”

ashe, Held under his code of chivalry, couldn’t hide the truth any longer.

”SYLVAIN BEEN UP IN YOUR GRANNY DMS”

”WHAT”

sylvain started to run, but Ingrid only grew closer.

”SNITCHES GET STITCHES ASHE”

”we will see about that. Merry christmas Sylvain!”

**Author's Note:**

> That’s all folks. Feel free to leave any questions comments of concerns in the comments below! ( if you are so inclined!)  
> As my Ashe unit who won’t stop getting Crits would say, Merry Critmas!


End file.
